UK Car Jokes
City driving
A right lane construction closure is just a game
to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in
the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before
hitting the orange construction barrels.
Turn signals are clues as to your next move. A real city driver never uses them.
Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car
in front of you or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in
an even more dangerous situation.
Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered "going
with the flow".
The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of
getting hit.
Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork when driving
in a no-fault insurance state. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your ABS kicks
in - giving you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For
those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
Construction signs only tell you about road closures immediately after you pass
the last available exit, but before the traffic begins to back up.
The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful
information. They're only there to make your city look high-tech and to distract
your attention from the police car parked in the lay-bye.
Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to scare
people entering the road.
Using an on/off junction to pass is perfectly acceptable when traffic drops
below 10 m.p.h.
Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and apparently not
enforceable in most city areas.
Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over,
doesn't mean that the driver flashing his high beams behind you can go faster if
he was in your spot.
Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour
traffic.
Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone
changing a tyre.
Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps existing
litter from getting lonely and gives council crews something to clean up.
Everybody thinks his or her vehicle is better than yours, especially four by
four drivers.
Learn to swerve abruptly. Cities are a great place to learn high-speed slalom
driving thanks to DOT's (Dept. of Transportation), which put pot holes in key
locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
It is traditional for city drivers to honk their horns at cars that don't move
the instant the light changes.
Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left and right and
left again before proceeding, unless you have side impact airbags and good
insurance.
Heavy snows, ice, fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously
listed rules. These weather conditions are mother nature's way of ensuring a
natural selection process for body shops, junk yards and new vehicle sales.
After all, we do have our priorities.
Remember that the goal of every city driver is to get there first, by whatever
means necessary.
Real female city drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at
seventy-five miles per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
Pedestrians caught on the crossing when the light changes are fair game.
Besides, if you don't make eye contact with them, they aren't really there.
It is perfectly all right to come to complete stop in the middle of a city
street to check an address, especially during rush-hour.
Being elderly and legally blind is no reason to stop driving.